What is love? Baby, don't hurt me..

They always say when you stop looking for love, it will find you. I've had it happen to me before and I ran with it.. it ended in a disaster of mixed feelings and mornings of waking up to tears before my vision could focus on any one object. I ask myself daily, "What do you want Nat?" My answer is always the same: I want someone to love me. Sure I have friends that love me, guys that tell me they love me, and family members that unconditionally love me more than the rest. That is more than anyone could ever ask for, and should be enough. But I want one person I can count on that wants and needs me in their life just as much as I want and need them. I want to be someone's other half, not just share the other half of their bed. I feel like I love the ones that don't want me as much as I want them. I'm always falling in the same pattern trying to find what I think is my ideal. It only sets me up for the heartache I purposely put up with thinking it will be better or maybe, just maybe he would wake up and see, I can't live without her.

Right now, I'm in a state of confusion. I should be happy I'm not tied down in a loveless, benefits only relationship. But I'm not. I feel I'm more unhappy with myself than I am with the disappointment of men around me. In my mind, questions always tear me apart. The one question that never fails to hurt, What is wrong with me? I know you're supposed to feel a certain way and people are supposed to start to believe it of you. I feel beautiful, most days. I feel it's also a front most days too. I hide behind walls I take down brick by brick to show those that I do have something to offer that I don't offer people I don't care about.. and then I build it right back up. I want to be loved, but with the mistakes I've been making lately, I don't want to break my walls down anymore. So tell me, where did my independence go? I think I lost it with the last "I don't love you anymore" whispered to me. For someone who doesn't know how to not love, I think it's time I need to learn how..