Sarcastimisticknowitall

Pretend

2010-10-26T00:24:00.000-04:00

Though I may be crazy
Though I may be blind,
no matter what I have done to hurt you,
no matter what you have done to hurt me,
you won't forget me.
You may say you hate me,
you may make yourself believe it,
but the truth lies in the words you speak
like a diamond in a maze,
you miss me..
I can pretend you don't exist for days,
does that eat at you?
If you've noticed, I said pretend..
it isn't easy pretending when your face
flashes before my eyes at least once a day.
Though we've moved on,
though we've said things that we can't take back,
I know as well as you do,
that we'll never completely hate each other.

Loss

2010-10-14T03:18:00.001-04:00

On this day in August, I lost my baby.. On this day, I lost my best friend. Though I regret some things, I don't regret the love. All I have to remember both of you by are the scars I see every day in the mirror. I'll get over it soon. I always move forward. There'll be brighter days for me.

Music Monday :)

2010-10-04T03:39:00.003-04:00

If you haven't heard the newest Wiz Khalifa album yet, you're missing out.. I'm not big on rap, but this guy is extremely talented.. and of course, sexy ;)

Cee Lo is known for his unique voice and of course, his off the wall approach towards music.. paying homage to the Motown Days, this song is a sweet approach to saying, well.. Fuck You :) Fantastic song!

Fan of System of a Down? Then I know you'll love Serj Tankian, the lead singer.. His single from the album has so many meanings.. listen closely and don't let the video "trip" you out, lol..

Love the sound of this band.. and however oxymoronic the statement is, doesn't everyone need a perfect breakup song?

They were my favorite band until I was introduced to RHCP.. I absolutely love this band and Rivers Cuomo is an absolute genius.. and the sexiest nerd ever :)

Since he'll be released in less than a month, I thought it would be appropiate to post a song from his album released last week.. He isn't human.. as he reiiterates, he is a martian..

All I Want

2010-09-30T02:38:00.000-04:00

Nothing's so loud
as hearing when we lie..
The truth is not kind,
and you've said neither am I..
but the air outside so soft is saying everything..
everything..

All I want is to feel this way..
to be this close, to feel the same..
All I want is to feel this way
the evening speaks, I feel it say..

Nothing's so cold
as closing the heart when all we need
is to free the soul..
but we wouldn't be that brave I know
and the air outside so soft, confessing everything..
everything..

And it won't matter now..
whatever happens will be..
though the air speaks of all we'll never be,
it won't trouble me..

And it feels so close,
let it take me in..
let it hold me so
I can feel it say...

What is love? Baby, don't hurt me..

2010-09-29T18:55:00.004-04:00

They always say when you stop looking for love, it will find you. I've had it happen to me before and I ran with it.. it ended in a disaster of mixed feelings and mornings of waking up to tears before my vision could focus on any one object. I ask myself daily, "What do you want Nat?" My answer is always the same: I want someone to love me. Sure I have friends that love me, guys that tell me they love me, and family members that unconditionally love me more than the rest. That is more than anyone could ever ask for, and should be enough. But I want one person I can count on that wants and needs me in their life just as much as I want and need them. I want to be someone's other half, not just share the other half of their bed. I feel like I love the ones that don't want me as much as I want them. I'm always falling in the same pattern trying to find what I think is my ideal. It only sets me up for the heartache I purposely put up with thinking it will be better or maybe, just maybe he would wake up and see, I can't live without her.

Right now, I'm in a state of confusion. I should be happy I'm not tied down in a loveless, benefits only relationship. But I'm not. I feel I'm more unhappy with myself than I am with the disappointment of men around me. In my mind, questions always tear me apart. The one question that never fails to hurt, What is wrong with me? I know you're supposed to feel a certain way and people are supposed to start to believe it of you. I feel beautiful, most days. I feel it's also a front most days too. I hide behind walls I take down brick by brick to show those that I do have something to offer that I don't offer people I don't care about.. and then I build it right back up. I want to be loved, but with the mistakes I've been making lately, I don't want to break my walls down anymore. So tell me, where did my independence go? I think I lost it with the last "I don't love you anymore" whispered to me. For someone who doesn't know how to not love, I think it's time I need to learn how..

I don't need to speak.. You need to listen.

2010-09-25T01:43:00.001-04:00

I wish I could find someone who at least comprehends that sometimes I don't KNOW how to speak what's on my mind.. I just want someone to say they understand and I can talk when I'm ready to talk. Not get angry with me. Hell, I'm angry and I'd like time to think about what I'm gonna say before I say it. Cause when I'm angry, I get extremely defensive and easily offended. So back off. If my body language isn't telling you to do so, than you have more to learn about me than the obvious.

I need to update..

2010-09-24T04:45:00.002-04:00

Yeah, it's been awhile dear friend..

I have too much to say..

My Love

2010-01-16T06:05:00.002-05:00

He looks so adorable sleeping.. hope he doesn't kill me

2010-01-16T06:02:00.002-05:00

My Best Friend, Confidante, Brother :) Hi Marco haha

Big Apple of My Eye

2009-12-27T20:57:00.001-05:00

I want to know how
you got to be so cold
Out on Canal Street
I watched you sell your soul

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Smile!

2009-12-15T05:28:00.001-05:00

I really love this Guess shirt, can you tell? Haha

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2009-12-15T05:25:00.002-05:00

2009-12-13T19:41:00.002-05:00

As of yesterday, my hope in people was restored.. Amazing.

Hi, my name is...

2009-12-09T05:17:00.000-05:00

"Volunteering leads to a more active lifestyle both physically and mentally which reduces risk of chronic conditions"

I totally agree. My best friend & I had a discussion about where we have volunteered, what we did, why we did, and how it made us feel. It's a very rewarding experience. I like to make a difference in someone's life, even if it's just giving them an hour a day of my time. Michelle & I never knew until recently that we were volunteering at the same animal shelter 30 minutes from here; and that every year we were both volunteering during the same holidays at different shelters & homes. It's nice to have someone share the same experiences as you.
I really want to go back to tutoring kids who have a harder time comprehending subjects than their fellow classmates. It hurts to watch them struggle. I remember tutoring a young boy when I was a senior in high school. I tutored him for a week for his first math test.. he received a C. When I got the test back, I was devastated for him. Was I not doing enough? Was he not comprehending me? Was I moving too fast for him? But what was shocking was that he and his mom were HAPPY. Happy with a C? As his mom told me, Matt never gotten a C in math. He was a D/F student. A C was monumental; it was a step closer to an A. And I was told I was doing GREAT. How humbling that was.
Each time I'm told "Thank You" I feel my heart growing bigger & bigger. That is why I've been trying to spread the word about helping charities & causes. I've been diving head first into this project with #VAW. I feel that just helping one person would help thousands after her. And I do know all too well how it feels. I want to be the help for someone that I never got. I hate even saying "I". I know this is a "we" effort & I am so grateful to be part of this movement. I've finally found what I needed to do since I was 14. My passion might be history, wanting to be a curator, but my calling is this. I've found Natalye. And boy does it feel WONDERFUL.

Imagine

2009-12-09T05:01:00.000-05:00

Music, the universal language.. Everytime I watch, I tear up...

rant rant rant

2009-12-04T04:35:00.000-05:00

I wish people would quit snooping around on my facebook/twitter/blog so they can use my words and thoughts against me for their own vendettas. I wanted a blog to say what I wanted without inhibition. Guess I can't even have that. Leave me be. I didn't say anything malicious or bad about anyone, and my thoughts are mine and not the thoughts of all my friends. I've always said what I wanted to say and I never back down when I believe, truly, in something. Hate me for who I am, it doesn't bother me. Someone is gonna love me where you hate me. I'm not pretending to be someone I'm not, and I am not covering up lies that are catching up with me. Don't use me as a scapegoat cause of all that. Karma got you, I didn't.

I try to be the best friend I can be to my friends. I try to look out for ALL of them. I didn't know doing that would make me seem like a bad friend. But like my guy friend said, some friendships weren't meant to work. I'm okay with that, but don't ever say I was a bad friend. That shit really bothers me.

But tonight, I didn't get killed or hit. That's all I really care about. I don't care what's being said about what I supposedly have done and am still doing. I know I didn't do it. If you don't believe me, that's fine. Like I said, I know I am not going around doing anything. I'm just doing my job, breathing and going home.

With that little rant, I am going to bed 5 lbs lighter. I'm gonna dream of my Monster & the next time he comes home. I'm gonna dream of ways to help these battered women in ways that I was never helped. And I'm gonna dream of this $700 modeling paycheck coming to me in 2 weeks. My life is looking up when someone is trying to knock me down. But then again, isn't there always someone in life trying to take your spot? Word.

2009-11-30T14:53:00.000-05:00

What can I say?
What can I do?
you're still in love
but I'm so over you...

The Hidden Track

2009-11-26T03:00:00.000-05:00

We're just two people destined to collide...

And the beat goes on...

2009-11-25T22:21:00.001-05:00

The title says it all.. for some reason, crying myself to sleep never feels better in the morning. I'm a thinker who thinks too much. Jawan used to say that he wasn't the one hurting me, that I was the one hurting myself. I see what he means now, and for the most part he was right. I can't really blame anyone else for my thoughts, except myself. And I'm really trying to find a way to get myself OUT OF IT.

Say Anything

2009-11-25T22:18:00.001-05:00

I never really have the spare time to actually sit & write. Every day is the same, and nothing really inspires me to want to write anything "blog-worthy". But during moments like these, I get an urge to say SO much, but the minute my fingers touch the keys, I go blank. Writer's block. And when this happens, I still have music playing inside my head. I wonder why I have to write anything for anyone to understand how I feel & what I want to say. Can I say it through song? I tweeted that I wished I could answer people by breaking out into song, like the show Glee (haha yes, I love that show.. fantastic.. HULU it ;) ). Maybe by posting songs with a little intro to why I was posting it, then you would understand what is raging inside of me right now. I seem to post songs/videos everywhere I venture online. I hope you guys don't get sick of it. It is the only way I know to communicate without tripping over words.

As seen on the AMA's

2009-11-25T20:25:00.002-05:00

This song is just a beautiful R&B song to me.. This is how R&B should sound like, not some lusty caricature of love..

2009-11-18T13:17:00.000-05:00

I definitely need to get out of nightlife if I hadn't already had the mindset to do it before. Seems my ex-boyfriend, the one I have a restraining order against, has found out that I live in Charlotte and has now moved into the area. That's also another sign that I need to move to California as soon as possible. I know I deserve a lot of things, karma-wise, but I don't think having a stalker is what you call my just awards.

I love this song

2009-11-17T20:32:00.004-05:00

I'm a Noob :)

2009-11-17T16:52:00.001-05:00

I haven't posted the link to my blog on any of my frequently visited sites because I'm still trying to figure out if it's such a great idea to have ALL my thoughts revealed publicly. But, I do talk a lot, and sometimes I have no one to confide in except myself. Maybe this is a good thing. Let's figure it out. Advice anyone?

For you Tsa

2009-11-17T14:46:00.000-05:00

NOT defined by my race. I am not a successful model b/c of the bombs my parents had to avoid as a child. I am not a good student b/c they had to run from commies. My relationship status has nothing to do with my father toiling in rice fields in the sun or the heartache they had to deal with to get me here. It is my culture- beautifully tragic and something to be honored and educated on-- NOT to be your fetish.